I know that #blacklivesmatter and I feel like I'm not pulling my weight and I'm sorry

I understand ‪#‎blacklivesmatter‬ as much as I think anyone with the amount of privilege someone like me has. I really understand it and have never questioned its validity, importance, and, unfortunately, its necessity. That said, I can't watch this stuff. Videos in my feed. Articles. It makes me literally feel sick to my stomach. I made the mistake of watching the execution of Nicholas Berg (the contractor who was killed on video shortly after 9/11 - I can't even bring myself to say or write the word that describes the manner in which he was killed). That was stupid of me. I had no idea how horrific it would be. I thought it would be horrific but it was qualitatively and exponentially more horrific than I could've ever imagined. I had nightmares and flashbacks for quite some time. Then I accidentally watched the video of the young man who was killed a year or two ago. I can't remember his name but he was the 2nd man in Ferguson. I tried googling just now to try and find his name and there were so many video links, so many articles, SO MANY NAMES, that I had to give up. I didn't want to click on any of them. I accidentally saw that video thinking it was an amateur documentary. I continued to think/hope that until the moment the gunfire started. That was also horrific. Watching anyone take anyone else's life feels so unnatural to me, like cannibalism and incest. I screamed so long and hard, a blood-curdling scream that made Erik come running in from the garage to see what was the matter. I sobbed hard, to the point that I couldn't talk, for five minutes? Ten minutes? I don't know. What I do know is that I can't handle this hate, what these killings represent, knowing it is just the tip of the conscious or unconscious iceberg. I have the similar feeling about Trump supporters, knowing that he has significant support, knowing they are walking among us, not knowing who they are, but knowing what they stand for. I can't imagine living my life with this kind of fear and distrust. The closest I get to it is the feeling of being a woman in an unsafe situation but, at least for me, those occur so much less frequently as I've gotten older. In fact, I almost never even felt that while I was working in prison. Ha. Talk about privilege. In hindsight, that was so silly, the inappropriate confidence I had. The fear only ever broke through when I had to walk across one small section of the yard which was out of sight of the gun tower. Every time I did that (several times a day), I would look over my shoulder, take a deep breath, and book it until I got out of the blind spot. I can't begin to imagine feeling that every day. I really can't imagine letting my kids out of my sight knowing that they do or, even worse SHOULD feel that every day.

Anyway, I just can't see this anymore. I do what I can in my own little world. I am vocal (duh), or at least I try to be. I feel like that's the best I can offer. But this trauma... I can't do it. I feel like I'm shirking my responsibility in the situation because so many people live it and I only have to see it but... I can't do it. This is all just so heartbreaking. :-(

 This is a long and rambling post but I feel like I'm bursting with all of this. I hope I have the guts to leave it up because I feel like such a jerk for not being able to handle it, feeling like that makes me part of the problem. *This* is the best I can do today in order to try to be part of the solution and it is pathetic at best and I'm sorry.