Lather, rinse, repeat

I just started a new entry and I was going to entitle it "Depression is a bitch" but that sounded familiar.  I went back and looked and my most recent post was titled, "Depression, you bitch."  If that doesn't tell you how it goes, I don't know what does.  Whatever I wrote in that last post, copy & paste here.

You've heard it before but I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.  If you've never thought about it in terms of mental illness, please do so.  I'm so motherfucking sick and tired or being so motherfucking sick and tired.  

I've been crying because I made a typo in an email to our payroll people.  My 6-year old just came back in, 30 mins later, and asked if I was feeling better.  I'm feeling better about the goddamn typo that's probably going to cost us $50.  But I'm not feeling better about the fact that my child feels the need to check in on my well-being.  

When will his get better?  Everyone says it gets better.  Everyone is a liar.  It has never gotten better.  I can't imagine it ever getting better.  My poor children.  My poor husband.  Last night he said something about how different my life would've been if I'd married someone with money instead of him.  Is he fucking joking?  If I'd married anyone but him, I'd be alone right now because I can't imagine anyone putting up with my bullshit.  I can't even begin to understand how he does.  He said, "Well, at least you'd have money."  That gave me pause.  Yes, I'd have money.  But I'd still have the same brain and same neurochemistry and I still think I have the best psychiatrist money can buy so.... 

I would just give anything to have anything resembling the life I thought I'd have when I was in high school and college.  Even when I got married.

P.S.  The opposite of happiness is binge watching The Jinx on HBOGO in your bedroom while the rest of your family watches Jeopardy and feeling like there is nothing you can do to change the situation.  This really is the gift that keeps giving.