I do. I hate myself. I put my foot in my mouth all the time. I offend people. I just do dumb things. I'm sure it's not bad enough for people to actually talk about it out loud when I'm not there but I'm pretty sure many people I interact with reflect on our interaction and roll their eyes or laugh.
The worst part is that I'm 90% sure this is depression. I'm 90% sure that this is crazy. But not 100%, so I entertain and feed and fan that 10%. It's almost an audible thing. I know I talk to myself out loud all the time (all the time - I catch myself doing it and I see other catch me doing it). Lately I wonder if I'm arguing with myself out loud. I think I am sometimes.
I just feel like I'm fucking up every little thing I ever touch. I'm SUCKING at prepping for class. I'm SUCKING at managing Thing 3's spending problem. I'm SUCKING at having compassion for Thing 3. I just want to watch netflix and chill, but totally serious. Just do nothing. Watch TV, play bee swarm simulator, do nothing, talk to no one. I feel like a complete imposter when it comes to anti-racism. Now I'm branching out and ruining things in my trans ally world.
I am dying to yell this to everyone, like with a bullhorn on the street corner. I don't want anyone to blow smoke up my ass, try to convince me I'm not horrible. I just want people to say "Damn. That feel fucking sucks. I'm sorry you feel that way. That's the worst feeling." But I'm trying so hard to look like I have my shit together. I feel like Lloyd Braun. I can't say anything because then people will know that I'm actually just faking it. So I keep faking it and not saying anything to anyone.
